The Unluck of the Non-Irish, Part 1
by archergwen
Summary: Episode 3 of my fanfic series; The Doctor and Rachel, trying to get to Dublin, have to defend themselves from an invasion of a peculiar kind.
1. Chapter 1

The TARDIS had barely stopped moving before Rachel leapt for the door, trying to wrench it open.

"Rachel! Wait! We don't know what is out there!"

But she had already thrown the door open.

All she focused on were the never-ending green grasses rolling past a space that should be covered with the city of Dublin.

The Doctor, however, noticed the rush of wind, the pattering of feet, and faint laughter.

Rachel dropped to her knees and cried, while the Doctor wondered what was in his TARDIS.

* * *

He had managed to coax her into shutting the door and falling asleep on the comfy chair in the console room.

The Doctor shuffled off to his own room to run research on when they were.

That was the first mistake.


	2. Chapter 2

In the morning, the Doctor woke up to Rachel's shocked cry.

"Doctor!"

He snapped to his feet and ran out to her.

Rachel, still stretched out on the couch, had a look of discomfort on her face that quickly turned to laughter when she sighted the Doctor.

"What?"

"Your hair, it matches mine." She giggled.

That's when he noticed that her hair was tied in strands to the metal supports of the couch. The Doctor ran his hands up to his own head, finding thousands of little knots in his hair. "What did you let in?"

"I have no idea. Help a girl out?"

"What am I supposed to do? Untie the knots?"

Rachel snorted. "You can maybe brush yours out. Hopefully. But I'll need scissors. Ever given someone a haircut?"

"First time for everything."

"Well, cut as close to the knots as possible. I can get a trim when we get to Dublin. Have you started programming the TARDIS?"

"I can't," replied the Doctor, fishing scissors out of his toolbag. "When you opened the doors, some creatures ran in. They're what caused these knots. We have to get them out before we can leave. I will not take them from their time with so little chance of returning them to exactly where they belong."

"You really don't know how to fly her, do you?"

"Hush. I have scissors near your head."

As he cut the first strand free, Rachel sighed. "My hair will look terrible."

"And that's why we wait for the Doctor to check the scanners before we throw the doors to the TARDIS open."

"Yeah. Got that message now," she quipped as he cut the last strand. "So now what?"

The Doctor, not really one for fashion, thought the uneven cut wasn't too terrible. "Now we find what you let in and get them out."

"That simple?"

A laugh and pattering feet echoed through the TARDIS.

"That simple."

* * *

Thousands of years in the future, Sean Kelly sat in a lab in Dublin, working on a chemistry assignment with his friend Eogan Bres.

"Sean?"

"What's on your mind?"

Eogan sat his slides down. "What do you think of the latest attempt on the Occupied Six?"

"That's an old term," Sean replied slowly.

"And an old problem."

Sean turned from his microscope. "Eogan, who are your new friends?"

"Oh, no one important. I'll introduce you eventually."


	3. Chapter 3

Panting, Rachel caught up to the Doctor. "This is achieving nothing. They're much faster than us."

"Right. That's why I wanted you to stay back there. I was going to try to chase one towards you."

She blinked and a small gust of wind announced the passing of one they could have caught.

"Blast. What are these anyway, Doctor?"

"I think they're leprechauns."

"Nah, they're solitary, like brownies. That's the extent of my knowledge on the subject. Sean would know though. We could get him?"

Another one ran past, blowing her slightly uneven cut into her face.

"You know we can't."

"Fine. Can I get a net before we try this next plan?"

"Already looked in the storage room. They've been all tangled or cut up." Before Rachel could comment, a creature paused running long enough to blow them a raspberry. "What do you know, some gestures transcend time. I think I'll call these 'mischievous spirits.'"

Rachel sighed. "I'll call them sprites. Now let's get them out of the TARDIS."

* * *

It was more difficult than holding onto soap with vegetable oil.

The most obvious advantage was speed. The little creatures could move faster than the Doctor and Rachel. If the lifeguard managed to untangle a net, the sprites would simply re-tangle it once her back was turned.

It did not help matters that the Doctor often had no idea where he was going.

"This is your ship, Doctor."

"I know."

"Your ship."

"Yes!"

"You should-"

He covered her mouth with his hand. "She's alive, as I'm sure you've realized. She can change her organization if she wants to. So do I really not know where I'm going or is she playing along with the sprites?"

"Ha! You used my term."

"I'll get tape."

"You be quiet."

* * *

"I will not work for them."

"Sean-"

"No, Eogan! Do you realize what they do? The ends do not justify the means. There is nothing you can say or do that will convince me to work with them."

Sean tried to walk away but Eogan grabbed his arm. "They'll go after Rachel."

"What?"

"You heard me. If you don't cooperate, they'll use Rachel against you. Leverage."

Sean wheeled on Eogan. "When I came here to study I knew this risk and I told no one about her." He froze in anger, face twisting with betrayal. "Except you. You bastard. She is my life!"

"Was. She was your life," intoned an ominous voice, sounding like a noose around his neck.


	4. Chapter 4

They hadn't seen the console in what felt like ages.

"This is pointless, Doctor. Clearly, we're pawns right now."

"You play chess?"

"No. I could never get the strategy bit down. I was more for obliterating the opponent with no thought beyond a few turns."

The Doctor laughed. "That could work."

"It does. Until I end up sacrificing a queen for a bishop."

"Hey, I wonder what would happen if we did that."

"Did what?"

"What if we split up? Then, it's two chess games instead of one."

Rachel sighed. "Haven't you seen movies? When they split up they always end up dead. If this were typical Hollywood fare, we'd split up, I'd die, then the villain would taunt you about it until you die."

The Doctor chuckled. "Good thing we're not in one then."

"Fine," Rachel said with a shrug. "I'll go this way."

"Just remember, Rachel. You punched an alien in 2020 Kiev. I think you'll survive."

* * *

As she crept through the never-ending corridors, Rachel pondered her recent breakdown. She had always known herself to be moderately stable, sarcastic and adaptable, with hints of a hero-complex, not to mention over-analysis of self-

She laughed, finding herself on a familiar track of circular reasoning that led to angry journal entries.

"I should've been a psychologist, not a history geek. Or whatever I am now."

* * *

"Should've given me more lessons before shoving me off into the Time Vortex," the Doctor muttered as he tracked a sprite through the TARDIS.

He had intended to land somewhere warm and sunny, a comfortable place where he could fully explore the TARDIS before something like this happened. But she had other plans, it seemed, and here he was, lost in his own ship.

It was true that she shifted on occasion, but there were always signs as to where you were.

If one only knew what they were.


	5. Chapter 5

"Just make lemonade from broken glass."

Rachel leapt at the shadow, but the sprite got away by the smallest of inches. She hissed, hitting the ground. But as she stood, her mood started to lift. Her name was etched on a small plaque.

"I have a room."

Her fingers lightly pushed the door handle and she peeked her head in. "So many books," she murmured, before a pattering of feet warned her. She slammed the door shut, pressing her back against the cold metal as if she could be a barrier.

In a small daze, Rachel crossed the hall to touch the name on the door across from her.

"Sean. Sean has a room. He has a room."

Her hand reached to open the door, but paused.

She almost moved to the handle again, but the small sounds of scissors stopped her. A sprite was balanced on her shoulder blade, trimming her hair. She couldn't see him, but the small pricks of pressure gave him away.

"Please don't make it worse," she whispered.

But the sprite was gone before she could finish her sentence. Rachel immediately turned back to her room and hurried before the mirror.

"He fixed it. Not that there was much to fix, but still." She smiled. "They're not all bad." Realization slammed into her. "The door's open!" She raced back out like before.

With one last brush of Sean's name, she started wandering the TARDIS again.

* * *

Eogan fit the small pieces of electronics together as Sean checked the schematics, muttering all the while.

"What are you muttering," he finally asked.

"The many ways I'll separate your head from your neck."

A gun smacked Sean's head. "Less talk. More work."

* * *

The Doctor would turn his head and find his shoe tied together.

He would turn a corner and be facing the same hallway he just left, only covered in green from the sprites.

The TARDIS was helping the little invaders out and it just wasn't fair. Shouldn't she be on his side?

"I told Dad to let me explore with him first." The TARDIS seemed to laugh in response. "I suppose he never got your layout down either."

He hit the floor, discovering that his shoelaces had been tied together again.


	6. Chapter 6

Rachel's fingers lightly touched the door labeled "kitchen" and it moved at her touch. "Might as well now." She slipped inside.

"Oh," she murmured, gazing in awe at the little kitchen. A stovetop oven was surrounded by countertop in an "L" shape with cabinets above and a fridge to the right. A single wooden door to the left of the oven indicated a pantry. Right in the middle of the room rested a table surrounded by eight chairs.

"Oh," she sighed when she noticed the Dutch oven on the stovetop, and the small flame beneath it. "Of course."

Rolling up her sleeves, and moving towards the sink on the left side of the fridge, Rachel continued to mutter. "I really don't cook you know," she declared. "In case you were wondering, TARDIS."

Drying her hands on the towel hanging on the oven door, she then opened a cabinet and found an oven mitt.

As she lifted the lid, finding browned meat waiting for action, Rachel sighed again. "My dorm didn't even have a kitchen."

Adding water, salt, and pepper, the lifeguard begrudgingly cooked. Locating a cutting board and knife, she minced garlic, crushed oregano and thyme, and threw the spices in along with a bay leaf. "There. I'm cooking. Happy?"

* * *

Rachel was slicing carrots when the first hesitant patter of small feet approached the door.

"Come in."

She didn't turn as the door opened.

"It's lamb stew. It'll be another thirty minutes yet. If you would like some, you can set the table and keep it clean. Make sure there are places for all your friends along with me and the Doctor. I'm sure you can find more chairs if necessary."

The small sounds of bowls and spoons accompanied her chopping of celery.

* * *

The Doctor realized two things at once.

First, something smelled really, really good in the TARDIS.

Second, it had been far too quiet for the last ten minutes and he hadn't come across a single sprite for just as long.

He quickly added a third realization as he found himself outside the kitchen, the source of the smell.

Politely, he knocked.


	7. Chapter 7

"Alright, stew's done."

It hadn't taken as long as Rachel had thought it would. The small dap of flour she had added at the end gave it a nice, stew consistency.

To her surprise, it tasted at least decent if not good.

Then she heard a knock on the door, and knew it was the Doctor. He was the only one missing. "I'll get it. Go ahead and help yourselves. Just leave some for the rest of us." Rachel set a tin of crackers out next to the soup.

Keeping her eyes away from where the sprites would be, she moved to the door and opened it just a crack.

"Doctor. What a pleasant surprise. Would you like some stew? I made the sprites promise to be clean in return for some."

"They're all in there behind this door?"

Silly question, really. He could hear the faint sounds of spoon hitting bowl as the soup was consumed.

"Yes indeed. Would you like some lamb stew?"

The Doctor paused, a little in awe. "Um. Yes. Yes I would, thank you."

"Come on in then."

She opened the door wide and turned to face the table.

It was perfectly clean save for two bowls full of stew and accompanying spoons. Every trace of the sprites was gone.

"Well that was nice of them. I'm going to eat now." Rachel collapsed in a chair and began to test the temperature of the stew. "Sit, Doctor. They've left."

"How can you be sure?"

"Oh, gift a brownie some milk or other food and he'll take care of your house. I supposed if brownies don't exist themselves, maybe here's where the legend comes from."

The Doctor just looked at Rachel. "You think you're clever."

"Yep. Now eat your stew. We've got to get to Dublin."

* * *

"It's all set. Screw your courage to the sticking place and get ready for judgment day."

Sean didn't bother to comment on the irony of quoting an Englishman. He slipped from the room along with the others, noting all the measures he had put in place to circumvent the "judgment day." All there was left to do was pray.


	8. Chapter 8

"Dublin is lovely."

"It does have a nice character to it."

The Doctor and Rachel had leisurely strolled around the neighborhood where the TARDIS had landed. Being unfamiliar with the city and not knowing where to find Sean, they had agreed to stay need the TARDIS so as not to get hopelessly lost.

The silence had sometimes been awkward. They were new friends after all.

The Doctor had suggested rifling through the TARDIS for proper cash in order to purchase dinner, since the sprites had made off with all but the two bowls of stew.

A welcomed blue box was a block away from them when a gangly young man emerged from a building halfway down the street.

He caught Rachel's eyes and both of them stopped to stare before he broke into a run towards her.

"Sean!"

The Doctor smiled, pleased to see a happy reunion.

"Rachel!"

She was lost in the joy of seeing his face, but the Doctor was not so disabled. He recognized the note of panic in the boy's face and the shock in his voice.

_Something's wrong-_

Sean wrapped his arms around Rachel almost like a hug and then wrenched their bodies to the side into a small lee created by steps into the building next to them.

This was accompanied by the building Sean had exited and the one across from it exploding.


End file.
